The De-Friend Ladder

Wow. It has been a while. I think my last post was July 2009. But I am back for the moment and we will see how it goes. Last time you were here, you read all about how to turn co-workers into friends. Well, what if you want to do the opposite? What if a friend and co-worker pissed you off or has just become way too annoying and you no longer wish to be friends? What are the steps to get rid of that person as a friend? Lucky for you, I will provide a simple guide to this procedure. Just keep in mind that I have not tried this myself. I don't want to lose any friends. However, the guide is theoretically sound. Here we go...

Step 1 - Decide to lose a friend. This is one of the hardest steps on the entire De-Friend Ladder. What actions are bad enough for you to decide to cut someone out? What level of depravity must one sink to to be cut off?


Step 2 - Update your cell phone. You need to mark your address book so as to ignore this person's calls or texts at all times. You may say to yourself that you will just remember to do so, but trust me on this one. When you're really drunk, your judgement goes right out the window. Mark them as "IGNORE" so you know not to respond. But make sure you keep their name in there too. You need to know who you're ignoring. And never delete their number. If you do, you will pick it up when they call or text not knowing who they are.

Step 3 - Update Gchat. You have 2 choices here - block them or simply ignore them. The choice you make really depends on whether or not you want this person to know that they are cut off. Either way, you obviously need to stop talking to this person. However, if you block them, they will soon find out that you are angry. This may lead to a confrontation which you probably don't want to have. If you don't block them, they they can keep gchatting you. In this case, I recommend you simply be polite and distant. Don't engage them in conversation. Simply tell them you're busy and can't talk now. Overall, I recommend the 2nd option because it avoids overt confrontation. But to each their own.

Step 4 - Deal with Facebook. Again, you have 2 choices. You can defriend this person or simply do nothing. Option 2 is easiest in that you simply ignore this person on facebook. You can set your news feed filters to avoid news about this person. If comment on anything of yours, simply do not reply. Or you can defriend them. This is an overt act which they will probably notice at some point. This clearly shows them that you are angry. This may lead to confrontation. Again, make your own decision.

Step 5 - Invites. This step is not complicated. This person needs to come off your invite list for any and all events. You also need to talk to your friends and make sure they stop inviting this person. Finally, if they invite you to anything, you need to either not reply to find some good excuse not to go.

Step 6 - Conversation and Small Talk. You need to stop having conversations with this person. Whenever you are stuck in a situation with this person that would usually lend itself to a conversation, you need to appear distracted. Pretend to be reading something. Check your phone. Put headphones in. Do something to indicate that you're not interested in talking. If they do make small talk, be polite and answer back but do not ask follow up questions. Answer in short phrases that leave no real room for follow up. Make it clear you are not interested in talking.

Step 7 - Hallways. If you see this person in the hallway, put your head down. Don't make eye contact. Look to the side of them. Or look down at yourself as if you are deep in though. Or maybe look up in the same manner. Again, do nothing to encourage interaction. This person needs to become someone so not worthy of your time that you don't even acknowledge them passing you in the hallway.

At this point, your getting rid of a friend should be complete. This person, whomever he/she may be, should understand that you are no longer interested in being friends. However, I'd like to point out that while I wrote this guide for my readers, I do not encourage you to use it. More friends is better than less friends. Forgiving someone is better than losing them forever. Friends are better than enemies.

Oh, and keep in mind that just like someone may not make it all the way through the Friend Ladder, they also may not make it all the way through the De-Friend Ladder. Maybe someone stops after step 5. Or maybe someone stops after step 4.

Also, I'm now at 1917 Facebook friends (up from 1449 in July 2009)...and counting.

Don't ask me why.

The Friend Ladder

For those of you who know me, you also know that I know a lot of people. As I walk around AIR and say 'hi' to countless individuals, I often hear the phrase "Do you know everyone who works here?" Well, I will tell you now. No. I do not know everyone who works here. But I do know a lot of people. Mostly this is due to my desire to know people. I talk to them and I listen to them and they respond. Remember, everyone wants someone to listen. But there is more to it than that. How do you convert this casual co-worker into a friend? Well, for that, I present the Friend Ladder.

Step 1 - Say hello in the hallway. This is the easiest step of all. It starts with you smiling at someone every time you pass by them. If they smile back, most of the work is done. After about 3 weeks of simply smiling, you can say 'hi' when you pass them. And lo and behold: they will say 'hi' right back.

Step 2 - Small Talk. This step is a little harder to achieve. You need to be in an elevator with someone. Or getting a bagel at the same time. Or maybe coffee. Basically, you need to spend a little more time with the individual than just passing them in the hallway. This is the step when you make small talk. "How was your weekend?" "What do you think about the Redskins' chances this year?" "How is so-and-so doing?" Once this non-work related conversations are established, you need to make it the norm. Every time you are near that person, make small talk. Both of you need to become comfortable with talking to each other.

Step 3 - Conversation. This is when you need to have real conversations with the individual. Instead of just making small talk, you need to legitimately discuss varied topics of interest to either of you. Maybe you will walk with them to/from the Town Hall meetings. Or maybe you will eat with them at lunch. Really, the situation doesn't really matter. You just need to converse. Honestly, this is the most important step. Both of you need to enjoy the conversation enough to continue it and to want to have future conversations.

Step 4 - Facebook friends. Some people will scoff at this. They will talk about how they don't friend anyone from work. Or they will talk about how they are "super-exclusive" with their facebook friends. That is bullshit. Becoming facebook friends with someone is a sign that you would be willing to take your friendship to the next level - outside of work friends. This is also a good way for both of you to learn more about each other. Take a quick look at the other person's interest. Maybe you both love some book or movie that most other people have never heard of. Maybe you have some random interest in common. It is a good way to find things to talk about for later.

Step 5 - Continuation. This is a pretty simple step. Basically, you need to continue to have legitimate conversations with the person whenever the opportunity arises. You also need to keep saying 'hi' to them in the halls. These things show that both of you are committed to making this friendship work.

Step 6 - Gchat friends. This is huge. Many of us here at AIR use gchat all the time. It is used to discuss work stuff. It is used to discuss weekend plans. It is used to plan happy hours. It is used as a way to keep in touch and have conversations with people who are not in the same room with you. Becoming gchat friends with someone means the two of you can talk about anything almost all the time...even away from the office.

Step 7 - Hang out outside of work. This one is self-explanatory. You and this individual hang out outside of work. This doesn ot just mean a work happy hour or a post-work softball game drink. This is when one of you has a party and invites the other. Or when the two of you make plans to go out. This is the step that really takes your friendship to that next, higher level.

Step 8 - Phone number. So once you are friends with someone, you need their number. Getting the digits is huge. It means that both of you are OK with the other calling or texting you. This also of course opens up the possibilities for drunk dialing or drunk texting. These would be weird with co-workers but are perfectly fine with friends.

Step 9 - Enjoy! Enjoy having a new friend.

So there you have it. That is my method for turning random co-workers into friends. All you have to do is follow this plan and watch the number of your friends grow. And remember, no matter what anyone says, more friends is a good thing. We humans are social creatures. Socialization is what we have evolved to survive. And it is awesome.

Oh, and remember, some people may never make it all the way through the friend ladder. Maybe someone will always be just a step 2 acquaintance. Or a step 6 acquaintance. There is nothing wrong with that. It is just the way the world works.

Also, 1449 and counting...

Don't ask me why.

One more walk down memory lane...

So I know that I have been out of the loop for a while, but here I am with another edition of funny stories from my past. We'll stick to just one today...and make it a good one.

Let's back up to June 2004. I was 19 and went on Birthright. For those of you not in the know, Birthright is basically a free trip to Israel for young Jews. I strongly recommend going with at least one friend by the way. However, I went myself. Overall, the trip was great. Israel was simply amazing. The people kind of sucked though. They were mostly older than me and I was not yet the social creature that I am today... Plus, most of them knew each other at least somewhat. Well, that's neither here nor there. The 10 days went by pretty quickly...and the nights were all pretty alcohol-filled.

On the last night, we decided to go out to a club. I was 19 at the time. I had barely even been to bars at that point. Having very little money, I decided not to drink anything. That idea quickly flew out the window when people started buying me drinks...strong drinks. About 2 hours in, I was super trashed. And somehow or other (possibly displaying my future self), I had made friends with a random table full of "older" women. They were 26. I have plenty of good friends who are about 26. And 26 is not at all old. But at the time, they seemed ridiculously old to me. Well, what do you think happened? They continued to buy me drinks. At one point, one of them proposed to me. And I accepted. If it wasn't for what happened next, I bet I'd be married right now. And she was hot too.

Meanwhile, the club decided to have a dance off. And the guy came around recruiting. And my bride-to-be decided that I needed to prove myself by winning the dance off. I'm pretty sure the nice bottle of wine offered as a prize was also a temptation for her. So there I was waiting on stage for my turn. The guy I was competing against was good. And I was nowhere near the dancer or shameless show-off I am today. Plus I was ridiculously drunk. That's when it got weird. The host told me that my one chance to beat the guy was to strip. If I did that, there would be no way I wouldn't win. All I could think about was winning...and the wine...and my bride-to-be...and did I mention that I was trashed? When my turn came, I started dancing. And it wasn't happening. So what did I do? I started stripping of course... Before long (due to my lack of stripping experience), I was buck naked on stage. The crowd was loving it. All of my group had their cameras out. The woman who wanted to marry me was psyched. Everything was about to come together for me. And then they announced the winner. I had lost the dance-off. I had lost the bottle of wine. I had lost the 26 year old Israeli chick.

But on the plus side, I was naked on stage and lost my shame and gained a damn good story out of it...so whatever. Plus, I bet the Israeli chick is fat now.

Don't ask me why.

A Lover's Lament

Another day
Another week
Another month
Another year

Another time
Another life
Another chance
To hold you near

Another way for me to say
How much it is I love you
Another way for me to show
How much it is I care

One more lament from me to you
One more last fleeting thought
One more last chance for me to be
The one who stands beside you

And yet you're gone
Or never here
So near and yet so far
All I can do is write to you
And hope that you will read this

But don't ask me why it is I write
Don't ask me what it is I hope for
Don't ask me where I wish to go
Or what it is I want to do

Don't ask me when I will arrive
Don't ask me how to get there
Don't ask me anything at all
Just know that I still care

I do not think you'll understand
I do not think you'll comment
I doubt many of you will comprehend
Who it is I write for

But those of you who do perceive
The meaning of my writing
Yes, there are those I cannot deceive
With sleight of hand or hiding

I ask of you to read and know
The depth of my desire
For her, for love, for us to grow
Hand in hand beside the fire

And so today I say to you,
Oh subject of this poem
Just give me one more shot at love
Just give me one more chance

Another day
Another week
Another month
Another year

All these are past
And here we are
Unknown
And yet so near?

Conflict - Part 1

We all know the problems that are occurring in the Middle East. This Israel/Palestine debate has been waging for some time now and I would like to come out here with my opinions and facts and thoughts.

First, we must examine the words themselves - Israel and Palestine. Where does each come from? The name 'Israel' first appears in the Bible during the story of Jacob. It talks of how returning from his exile, Jacob meets an angel and wrestles with him. Jacob wins and the angel renames him Israel. Jacobs descendants - the Jewish people - are later referred to as the Children of Israel.

Now, the Jews went from the land of Canaan to Egypt. They were slaves in Egypt for a little over 220 years. When they left, and after they spent 40 years in the desert for not trusting in G-d, they returned to Canaan and took it over. Historically speaking, it seems that the Canaanites are the ones the land belongs to. But none of them are around anymore. Even though since they were described as giants, it is possible that some of you really tall people are distant descendants of the Canaanites. Anyway, the Jews captured Canaan and turned it into the land of Israel. They lived there for a while and they made the land prosper. It was a land flowing with milk and honey.

Let's fast forward to Roman times. Israel was now known as Judea since the large majority of the remaining Jews there were from the tribe of Judah. The other tribes had vanished during one of the previous exiles. The Romans, as was their wont, captured Judea. A little later, as many colonies had done, the Jews chose to revolt. They did their best, but were ultimately unsuccessful. Apparently the Romans had had some practice putting down revolts. After the Roman victory, most of the Jews were dispersed throughout the Roman Empire. The Romans destroyed the 2nd Temple and renamed the area Palestine. At the time, this was basically modern Israel, modern Jordan, and I believe parts of modern Syria as well. This was the first usage of the term 'Palestine'. And its only purpose was to differentiate it from Judea. It had nothing to do with Arabs originally.

It is worth mentioning here that there are very religious neighborhoods in Jerusalem whose ancestors lived there before the Romans came, while the Romans were in power, after the Romans left, and during all the years after that until now as well.

Now fast forward again to the late 1800s. The area is controlled by the Ottoman Empire. Few live there. All the land is owned by rich Ottoman land owners. Theodore Herzl convenes the First Zionist Congress, which begins serious discussions of creating a Jewish state. Over the years, the Congress gathered funds from various Zionist organizations around the world and from philanthropists who were sympathetic to the cause. A large portion of these funds went to legally buying much of the land from the Ottoman land-owners. The land-owners were happy to sell. They made good money on swampy land they considered worthless.

The Zionist Congress then shipped in tons of Jews from all over Europe and Asia. This wave of immigration was known as the First Aliyah and they began the arduous process of converting the swamp land to livable land. These settlers faced climate issues, crippling Turkish taxation, Arab opposition, and disease. But with help of philanthropists like Baron Rothschild.

The Second Aliyah came about 20 years later, as a response to pogroms in Russia and Europe. This aliyah consisted of many more idealists and became the foundation of modern Israel. These settlers brought about the Kibbutz system, which was a foundation of the Israeli system for many years.

Next time we will go into more modern history - the Balfour declaration, the third aliyah, and the multiple wars since the creation of the state of Israel.

Don't ask me why.

The College Years: A Short Rehashing

For those of you who did not know me then, here are a few classics from my time in college. For those of you who did know me, enjoy this little trek down memory lane.

Freshman year. There was this cute girl in my Child Psych class. We started talking because she sat right behind me. And we got along great. After a little while, I asked her out for either lunch or coffee. And she said yes. I was pumped. As soon as I got back to my dorm, I told all my friends about this. I kept going on and on about how great this girl was. And then the class before our date, I find out the catch. Not only is this girl not single; not only did she think we were hanging out as friends; oh no. This girl was engaged. (I never saw the ring. I swear.) And pregnant. Yeah, I hit on and asked out a pregnant engaged chick....without realizing it. We're still facebook friends today.

Halloween freshman year. I decided to go trick-or-treating. It was great. We got tons of candy. And went to the house of one of the deans (by accident). When we showed up, she asked us "Are you guys Case student?" We replied 'yes' very hesitantly and then she laughed (with us, not at us) as she gave us candy. But here is the best part. Not only did one of the friends I was with go as a STD, but I went as Quail Man...from Doug. You can see my awesome costume on the right.

One time, my pants were dirty. So I washed them...and they were still dirty. I washed them again and then they were clean. Whew. Close one.

There was the time I spent money on a Patrick Ramsey jersey (probably the worst waste of money ever in my life...worse than the pimp suit this year). But not only did I buy this jersey; I actually wore it out in public. I know I wore it to a party once. My friends brother used to think of me as "the guy in the Ramsey jersey". That is never a good thing. Oh, and Ramsey played on Monday Night Football this past year for the Denver Broncos when Jay Cutler got injured. He lasted abut 1.5 quarters before Mike Shanahan realized that Cutler at like 50% was still much better than Ramsey at 100%.

Sophomore year. It was approximately 2 days before the start of classes, but my friends and I were all at school already. And this one night we were bored and decided to walk over to the frisbee house. We walked the 15 minutes or so and hung out for a while. But at the end of the evening, someone challenged my drinking abilities. I had to prove them wrong immediately. I took the bottle of vodka that was on the table and poured myself a tall glass of it. I then proceeded to chug the glass of vodka. But don't worry. I was OK. However, on the walk home, I really had to pee. I decided to run home. It was about a 10/15 minute run...plus the Elephant Stairs. The name should give you an idea of the enormity of the staircase. But once I got back to my dorm room and peed, I was OK. I decided to go to bed. A few of my friends were still in the common room at this point. I change and lay down in bed. About 5 minutes later, I feel it. All that vodka had decided to re-enter the world the same way it left it - through my mouth. I had no time to make it to a trashcan. I puked some on my closet door and some on my floor. The rest went into my hand. I then proceeded to walk to the one bathroom we had in our suite holding my vomit-filled hand up to my mouth and splattering a little. One of my friends promptly left. The others simply stared.

More to come soon (I hope): the "Loree" story, the naked story, the golf cart story, the fohawk story, and a real entry or 2.

Don't ask me why.

The Food Stories

So any of you who know me, know that I like to eat...a lot. And no vegetables. Meat. Potatoes. Other carbs. Sweets. Those are my main food groups.

Well, during my college years, certain events occurred that still bring tears of laughter to the eyes of those who were there for these events. And here they are for the rest of you.

Napoleon Dynamite. You all remember this movie. Well, my friends and I went to see it. And I wanted some soda, which I bought. And some nerds. You guys all know those big boxes of rainbow nerds? Like the one pictured here? Well, I also bought one of those. So there we are sitting in this movie. Cracking up. When I take a giant handful of nerds and stuff them all in my mouth. I happily crunch away on them as my friends, not to mention some other people, give me dirty looks. Then I have another one. And another. Well, on the 4th giant handful, I choke on the nerds. I begin madly sipping my soda trying to clear my throat. And my friends are cracking up more at me than at the movie. KARMA!

United Dairy Farmers. Some of you may not know them. But they have great ice cream. And my friends and I went there one night for this ice cream. Well, we are in line ordering our ice cream. And I choose my ice cream flavor. Then I am looking at the menu and trying to decide if I want my sundae in a regular sugar cone or a waffle cone. My ice cream cost $3.99. The waffle cone was an extra $.40. Being a good Jew, I choose the sugar cone. After all, who charges $.40 for a freakin' waffle cone????

Sophomore year. Dorm spaghetti eating contest...in teams. Each of 3 dorms had a team of 5 people. Well, I was my team's anchor. And when it got to me, we were about half a plate behind the leader. I was not going to let this stand. I simply inhaled my plate of spaghetti. I am pretty sure that it honestly took less than a minute. I might have cried a little after, but the victory was worth it.

Sophomore year. Cookout on top of the hill. 7 hot dogs. 4 patties. And some chips. What more needs to be said here?

Once again, sophomore year. Dining hall. I had decided to eat a little healthier. Don't worry. It did not last long. Anyway, I wanted a salad...and had no idea how to make one. I had to have a friend show me how to make a salad. And by the way, it was not worth it. It had VEGETABLES!!!!!

And finally, freshman year. The common area on our floor in our dorm. A few of us sitting around. Some people doing homework. I had brought a sandwich. With bologna. As I was eating my sandwich, the best piece of bologna slipped out and fell on the floor. The very dirty floor. The very dirty floor we all stepped on. A lot. Have I mentioned dirty? Well, what happens? I pick up this piece of bologna. Stare at my friend for a second. I look right at him. He looks like he may either puke into a corner or jump up and do a celebratory jig, depending on my action. I eat the bologna. He pukes a little in his mouth. But the bologna was still delicious...and worth it.

Hope you enjoyed these stories...at least a little. A little bit of a preview for it: a few real entries this week, the naked story, the "Laurie" story (people at Case still know this story...people who never even met me), Halloween freshman year story, the pregnant chick story, and of course, the golf cart story.

Don't ask me why.